Keepin’ it real

Alright, peeps. We are about to keep it real.

I’m struggling, and my hope in writing about it is that other moms would know that they aren’t alone. Because God knows we need to be reminded of that often.

My name is Hannah and I have a “strong-willed”/”spirited”/”constantly disobedient”/”Jesus HELP ME” (or whatever I’m supposed to call it) child.

And…it sucks.

I really am just feeling down and somewhat broken-hearted about it as I’m writing. I hate the constant fussing, constant power struggle, constant disciplining. It is exhausting, and I am weary. I know parenting is not easy. But sometimes I am just surprised at how hard it can be. I find myself thinking “if we can just get through the tantrum stage” “if he can just learn to communicate” “if…if…if”, and I feel like at some point I’m just going to miss the good stuff because I am struggling to get through the day.

Y’all, Evan is a precious kid. He is smart, funny, sweet, and goofy. I mean, look at him. Seriously.

Evan3yrs

I love him to pieces and am reminded of that daily. But he cannot handle being corrected for something. He will not listen a majority of the time, usually until whatever consequence I’ve warned him with is about to come to fruition. On simple things, like “pick up your blocks”, or “come here.” … And then it just escalates from there…him screaming, hitting, freaking out, and me left wondering what the hell to do with that.

I am thankful for Christ in me, because I could not do this alone. I would totally lose it if it were just up to my flesh. He is my peace in those moments…when Evan is screaming at me and trying to hit me, and sometimes succeeding. He is so determined to continue in the disobedience and struggle for power. We are very much in the “I just want to do ______”, or “No, I said ______”, and “I don’t need to listen” (yeah, so much fun). I promise you this child has never gotten something he wanted when he whines or yells or throws a fit. I have a very strong resolve when it comes to whining (#imallergictowhining). So I cannot figure out why that is his go-to when he doesn’t get his way…

…maybe because he’s 3 years old (#duh).

I think God is calling me just to trust. Trust Him to guide my heart and Evan’s. I don’t need to fix it. I don’t need to have it all figured out and have all the answers. I need to remember who I am – a loving, patient, kind person and mom, and remember who Evan is – a sweet, but lost little boy who doesn’t yet have Jesus inside of Him.

Oh, how I pray one day he will trust Him, too.

I don’t want to break my sweet boy’s spirit. I want him to do well in life, and learn to choose love and kindness over everything else. I want him to be able to receive criticism and correction when necessary. I know he’s only 3 years old, but his little heart is already shaping him into the person he will be many years from now. God, let him love You.

And God, let me love You. Let me choose to trust You to speak through me when I don’t know what to do or say (because I don’t!). He has equipped me with everything I need. I don’t have to figure it out. I don’t have to be in control and FIX IT. He is sufficient.

I know that God is so intentional, and He chose me to be Evan’s mom, and for Evan to be my kid. He has a perfect plan that He has already promised to carry out through me as I walk with Him (this is me reminding myself of this truth…and maybe reminding you, too?)

Moms, you are not alone. Even if no one in the world had a child like yours, you are still not alone. Because the God of the universe loves you DEEPLY and CHOSE YOU to be where you are. And He is right there in the thick of it with you.

Yes, we will screw up. I will lose my temper with Evan. I will raise my voice a bit too loud. I will say something I maybe shouldn’t. That doesn’t mean I’m a failure as a mom. It doesn’t mean I’m a terrible mom. It means I’m a mom who is struggling. But I will choose to look UP and ask for help. “God, you gave me this child…HELP!” (I say this a lot…a whole lot). Because we can’t do this parenting thing from our own resources. We just can’t.

So, lets talk about it. Don’t try to put on the “my child is perfect and awesome” show, because it’s just not real. 9 times out of 10 there is someone else who knows EXACTLY how you feel. Yes, I would very much love it if my life was perfect and my children always listened, and didn’t throw a fit at friends’ houses when it was time to clean up (EVERY.TIME.). But that’s just not true. And you can’t keep up the charade, especially when your child is laying on the floor in the middle of someone’s living room crying “I caaaan’t clean up. I don’t neeeeed to” (#mykiddidthat).

Lets love each other well, moms. That means supporting, encouraging, listening, NOT JUDGING, being honest. Because we are all different and walking out different lives. But we are also all the same…moms wanting the best for our kids. We are in this together, and I’m really glad about that.

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  • Minou - Such encouragement, Hannah! Your transparency and your take on the mom-child relationship being a match made quite literally in heaven is God-sent, even to us old moms of old kids who still are perfectly capable of throwing tantrums in the middle of somebody else’s living room. Your prayer for Evan (“let him love You”) and yourself (“let ME love You”) testifies that your ears are tuned to the only melody that really matters, despite the “MY kid is perfect” noise of the world. I just LOVE your heart, and I’m praising God for you!ReplyCancel

  • Carla - So nice to hear “hey I’m going through this too”….I find Lilly is SO strong willed (my threenager) and has been since the day she was born. She is also VERY independent which is a blessing (especially when zoe came along) and a curse (when she wants to open the paint on her own and it’s all over the new carpet in seconds). There are days I feel like I am going to lose my mind if i don’t go and hide somewhere and they can always find me :). Sometimes I feel like I meltdown right along with her and seldomly do I feel like I actually held it together and handled the situation. And then there are days when someone offers to watch them for a few hours and I feel like my right arm has fallen off. I am literally LOST without them by my side “helping.” And then there are the smiles, the giggles, “wait I need one more hug,” and finally she has reached the “I’m sorry momma, I didn’t mean it” stage and it’s the sweetest. I see her pat her sister’s head and give a kiss and my heart melts. Zoe gets mad at me when Lilly cries, Lilly consoles Zoe when she cries; It is a bond that is incredibly strong and incredibly beautiful to watch.
    As I am reading more and more though I feel like so many momma’s have a “strong willed, independent” 3 year old….It’s the age, while this has been Lilly’s personality from the get go i do feel like we are at the peak and now I fear the teen years to come Ha!
    All we can do is keep moving forward, give ourselves grace, and try to learn from them!ReplyCancel

    • lugimomblog - Thanks for sharing Carla!! I know exactly how you feel! You are so right about this age, too. It’s tough! But I’m thankful for encouraging words like yours!ReplyCancel

  • Courtney - These words have so much power and meaning. I needed to hear this from someone and I am beyond grateful it was you!!
    I’ve never thought about motherhood in this sense. You completely simplified the need for asking for help. I am a bit of an over thinker- so much to the fact I get nervous when I pray, ‘Will He understand my prayer’…
    I am beyond thankful to call you my friend. Keep on keeping on because you’re doing an amazing job!!!ReplyCancel

    • Hannah - Thanks SO much for your sweet words, Courtney. They mean so much. I’m glad I get do this mom thing with so many other awesome women!ReplyCancel

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