Alright, peeps. We are about to keep it real.
I’m struggling, and my hope in writing about it is that other moms would know that they aren’t alone. Because God knows we need to be reminded of that often.
My name is Hannah and I have a “strong-willed”/”spirited”/”constantly disobedient”/”Jesus HELP ME” (or whatever I’m supposed to call it) child.
I really am just feeling down and somewhat broken-hearted about it as I’m writing. I hate the constant fussing, constant power struggle, constant disciplining. It is exhausting, and I am weary. I know parenting is not easy. But sometimes I am just surprised at how hard it can be. I find myself thinking “if we can just get through the tantrum stage” “if he can just learn to communicate” “if…if…if”, and I feel like at some point I’m just going to miss the good stuff because I am struggling to get through the day.
Y’all, Evan is a precious kid. He is smart, funny, sweet, and goofy. I mean, look at him. Seriously.
I love him to pieces and am reminded of that daily. But he cannot handle being corrected for something. He will not listen a majority of the time, usually until whatever consequence I’ve warned him with is about to come to fruition. On simple things, like “pick up your blocks”, or “come here.” … And then it just escalates from there…him screaming, hitting, freaking out, and me left wondering what the hell to do with that.
I am thankful for Christ in me, because I could not do this alone. I would totally lose it if it were just up to my flesh. He is my peace in those moments…when Evan is screaming at me and trying to hit me, and sometimes succeeding. He is so determined to continue in the disobedience and struggle for power. We are very much in the “I just want to do ______”, or “No, I said ______”, and “I don’t need to listen” (yeah, so much fun). I promise you this child has never gotten something he wanted when he whines or yells or throws a fit. I have a very strong resolve when it comes to whining (#imallergictowhining). So I cannot figure out why that is his go-to when he doesn’t get his way…
…maybe because he’s 3 years old (#duh).
I think God is calling me just to trust. Trust Him to guide my heart and Evan’s. I don’t need to fix it. I don’t need to have it all figured out and have all the answers. I need to remember who I am – a loving, patient, kind person and mom, and remember who Evan is – a sweet, but lost little boy who doesn’t yet have Jesus inside of Him.
Oh, how I pray one day he will trust Him, too.
I don’t want to break my sweet boy’s spirit. I want him to do well in life, and learn to choose love and kindness over everything else. I want him to be able to receive criticism and correction when necessary. I know he’s only 3 years old, but his little heart is already shaping him into the person he will be many years from now. God, let him love You.
And God, let me love You. Let me choose to trust You to speak through me when I don’t know what to do or say (because I don’t!). He has equipped me with everything I need. I don’t have to figure it out. I don’t have to be in control and FIX IT. He is sufficient.
I know that God is so intentional, and He chose me to be Evan’s mom, and for Evan to be my kid. He has a perfect plan that He has already promised to carry out through me as I walk with Him (this is me reminding myself of this truth…and maybe reminding you, too?)
Moms, you are not alone. Even if no one in the world had a child like yours, you are still not alone. Because the God of the universe loves you DEEPLY and CHOSE YOU to be where you are. And He is right there in the thick of it with you.
Yes, we will screw up. I will lose my temper with Evan. I will raise my voice a bit too loud. I will say something I maybe shouldn’t. That doesn’t mean I’m a failure as a mom. It doesn’t mean I’m a terrible mom. It means I’m a mom who is struggling. But I will choose to look UP and ask for help. “God, you gave me this child…HELP!” (I say this a lot…a whole lot). Because we can’t do this parenting thing from our own resources. We just can’t.
So, lets talk about it. Don’t try to put on the “my child is perfect and awesome” show, because it’s just not real. 9 times out of 10 there is someone else who knows EXACTLY how you feel. Yes, I would very much love it if my life was perfect and my children always listened, and didn’t throw a fit at friends’ houses when it was time to clean up (EVERY.TIME.). But that’s just not true. And you can’t keep up the charade, especially when your child is laying on the floor in the middle of someone’s living room crying “I caaaan’t clean up. I don’t neeeeed to” (#mykiddidthat).
Lets love each other well, moms. That means supporting, encouraging, listening, NOT JUDGING, being honest. Because we are all different and walking out different lives. But we are also all the same…moms wanting the best for our kids. We are in this together, and I’m really glad about that.