Am I mom enough?

Boy mom.

A label I proudly wear. Which is something I never would have imagined. I grew up with a sister, took dance classes, loved makeup and dress up and Barbies. I had no real knowledge of little boys or what that entailed.

Needless to say I have learned quickly.

Before Jonathan and I decided to have kids I knew I only wanted two. I come from a family of two, so it just made sense to me. Two parents, two hands, two kids. No brainer. Jonathan was leaning towards three since he comes from a family of three siblings! I guess you want what you’re used to.

I was not shocked when we sat in the ultrasound room when I was pregnant the first time and the tech told us that our little baby was a boy. I would have been shocked if she had said otherwise. Call it mother’s intuition.

Evan James was born in December of 2011, and it was the most amazing moment of our lives.

Fast forward a couple of sleepless months and some years later and we decide it’s time for baby number two. At that point we were both agreed that two would be plenty (especially when Evan’s tantrum throwing phase kicked in about 2 weeks into my pregnancy…joy!). Why would we want to put ourselves through that over and over and over? That would be insanity! Twice is more than enough.

So I went into my second pregnancy knowing it would be my last.

And knowing surely this would be a baby girl. I’ve always pictured a baby girl. Dance recitals, mother daughter bonding, weekends away together when she grows up, planning her wedding, etc. etc. You mamas of girls know what I’m talking about I imagine!

We planned out the gender reveal party and invited all of our friends and family over. We excitedly left our ultrasound appointment with the sealed envelope in hand. I passed it over to the worker at the balloon counter at the party store, just knowing I’d be back to pick up the box of pink balloons in a few hours.

Fast forward to us opening that box in front of all of our people. Before the box was opened, I saw the balloons float up to the top.

Blue.

What?

I was shocked. Legitimately. And I was in front of a group of people and on video. So my look of shock had to quickly be replaced with the look of excitement. In the above picture I was looking and talking to Evan because I could not process what was happening.

Let me try to process the feelings I had out loud here…

I was not disappointed to be having another boy. I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be having a little girl. Does that make sense?

I felt this huge weight crashing down on me.

That I wasn’t cut out to be a mom of boys.

That I would be a lame, boring, no-fun mom.

That Jonathan and the boys would only want to do stuff that I didn’t want to do and I would be left by myself all the time (seriously…before we knew baby 2 was a boy Jonathan very jokingly said something along these lines when we were in Academy and I started crying…thanks, hormones).

Y’all, how crazy is that?? And how untrue.

It took me about a week or two, but I slowly started to realize all of the feelings I was having were straight up LIES.

“The enemy seeks to kill, steal, and destroy.”

This was so apparent now. Instead of relishing in the joy of the fact that we were adding another precious boy to our family, I was plagued by the feeling that I wouldn’t be enough.

And that’s just simply not true. God knows what He’s doing. He gave me my children on purpose. He chose me to be their mother. The mother of boys. Clearly He thinks I’m cut out for it. And if God thinks that, then I think I’ll be okay.

I cannot imagine my life without either of these precious boys of mine.

So let me back track to the part where we also just KNEW this pregnancy would be my last. After Porter was born I gave away all my maternity clothes. As he outgrew his newborn and baby things, I passed them on to other new mamas. Before we moved into our new house last year, we had a garage sale. I sold the infant car seat. I sold the bouncer and the swing, the diaper bag, the bottles. Everything. With zero remorse (right now I imagine there are a few moms nodding their heads along with me).

Then Porter turned two. And Jonathan brought up that maybe he would want another one. And I was like, “Hell no.”

But then my wheels started spinning, and I started thinking about it, and I was so mad at myself every time I felt myself considering having another baby. Like every time I’d see a billboard with a baby on it, or a commercial, or visit a new mama in the hospital. I said I was done, ok God??

So I finally told Jonathan I was thinking about it, and he was like “Nah.” The feelings he had about another one had apparently passed. Great…

So that’s where we have been the past year. Back and forth about whether we should or shouldn’t, but never on the same page at the same time.

Things are honestly starting to get simpler in our home now that the boys are getting a little older. We are out of the baby phase for the most part with a 2.5 year old and a 4.5 year old (the 1/2 is very important apparently…just ask Evan). They can go play by themselves in their rooms or in the backyard without me hovering. They can get themselves in and out of car seats. Evan can get himself dressed (amazing, life changing). They can get their own drinks from the fridge and snacks from the pantry. There aren’t set in stone eating and sleeping schedules. We can go with the flow a little more. Why would we want to mess that up?

But then I picture 10, 15, 20 years down the road, and I want there to be more people around my table. Two kids just seems like so few. I guess I can blame it on the show “Parenthood” and all of their family dinners. I love the idea of my children being adults and still wanting to come to dinner at my house. Anyone else with me on that??

But another baby? I just don’t know.

Do I want to gain 40 (plus) pounds again? Do I want to give birth again? (seriously I can feel all my lady parts clench up at the thought.) Do I want to give up months of sleepless nights again? Be tied down to a schedule, to bottles, to leaky boobs, to baby proofing….the list of cons is long and real.

But a baby…that’s one big “pro” that pretty much trumps any “con”.

So we waited. And we prayed that the answer would be clear to BOTH of us at the SAME time (that would be really helpful, ok God?!).

And finally, it was. Literally one day we just both looked at each other, and Jonathan said “should we do this?” And I said, “yes.”

The fifth member of our little tribe will be here sometime around the end of January, and we couldn’t be more excited. Sometimes terrified, but mostly excited.

I will continue to fight off the lies of not being “mom enough” for more than two kids. That I won’t be able to handle another little boy. Or that because I’m now a “boy mom” I won’t know what to do with a baby girl. I won’t let lies make my decisions for me or steal my joy. I will rest firmly in the truth that God knows what He’s doing and that His timing is good.

And that I am enough.

 

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  • Danielle - This resonates so much with me but for different reasons! I am currently pregnant with my third and I am convinced that THIS will be my last pregnancy.

    But I also always envisioned four kids. And I also want the Parenthood-style family dinners!

    I definitely struggle with questioning whether I will be able to devote enough time and love and attention to all three of our kids. We want to expand our family down the road but through adoption. But I’m also afraid of whether we could handle that whole process. There are so many lies and so much pressure. Thank you for the reminder that I am enough 🙂ReplyCancel

    • Hannah // Lugimom - Glad you were able to relate and hopefully feel encouraged! God has already equipped us for what He will call us to! He’s got this ❤️😊ReplyCancel

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